Category: Uncategorized

What we are seeing is a massive evolution of lifestyle. Moment by moment Covid-19 ushers in change. There is no going back, there is no certainty as to what is ahead. Terrible, incredible, amazing and wonderful outcomes will become evident over the next days and months. Governments all over the world are scrambling to control what cannot be controlled. As usual, brilliant individuals are the ones who are casting light on the path forward. The artists are bringing sunshine to our days, scientists and inventors are accelerating research, children continue to play, and we learn how how to work in new ways.

Life goes on….

Aboard a zodiac on a scuba excursion in Kauai today we encountered a pod of small dolphins. It was incredible to watch them racing about, popping in and out of the water all around our boat.   The guide told us that dolphins live for pleasure, spending time with each other, playing dolphin games, and enjoying what the ocean gives them. He said that these dolphins are so social that in captivity they just let themselves sink to the botton of the tank and drown, basically committing suicide.

And that caused me to think about those suffering from mental illness. My son has suffered from mental illness for many years now. If he was a dolphin, he would have long ago sank to the bottom of his tank.

There is a huge focus to reduce the stigma attached to mental illness. There are many reasons for the stigma – but the biggest reason is there is no cure, only endless suffering. Mental illness is absolutely horrible for those who suffer with it. It is also horrible for those who love someone who is suffering with it. And it is often frightening to those who watch from the sidelines, disconnected from any meaningful contact with it.

I’m not even going to put a name to my son’s condition.  Through the years he has experienced sadness and sadness and more sadness.  So much sadness, feelings of  inadequacy and failure that he eventually went totally off the rails and created his own reality. He became the hero saving the world, and then  burned down a building to get rid of the evil spirits attacking him.  And because he was so wild and scarry he was treated with brutality by the police and health care workers as they tried to stop him before he reached the bridge, or after he lit the fire.  I’m not blaming them. They had to do what they had to do.

Once my son sported a black eye for six months from being hit during an arrest, he has been tasered and in the hospital he was drugged so heavily that for days that he was not able to get out a coherent sentence.

He has been on community treatement orders for several years now.  But let me say, there is no “community” in it. There are just regular visits to the doctor during which the types and amounts of drugs are adjusted and given by injection without his consultation.  Other than contact with the family, he has no friends and no other people to associate with. It breaks my heart.

The drugs themselves leave him feeling numb and emotionless. He is unable to work and not able to look after his own affair. Without the support of a loving family he would most certainly have been on the street by now. With no positive lasting change, I fear that it may yet come to that. Each episode brings deeper trauma, and no solutions.

We do need to get rid of the stigma regarding mental health, but just running a public relations campaign on it won’t work. We need real solutions and better care to help people get in control of their lives…. not just more drugs.

Piles of saved loose notes, scraps of writing, ideas and plans were recently pulled out of the cupboard where I have been hoarding them for years. I spread them all over my office floor, trying to find some logical system; and then I tripped on them for few weeks. This week I finally had a chance to do a bit of organizing – and then put them all back in the cupboard, in a bit more orderly fashion, after discarding only a few inches of the six foot stack of papers.

It was a quick glimpse through my whole life. Journals from my 10 year old self, endless list of plans for the future – now the past. For years I have carried Moleskine notebooks in my purse and jotted down interesting observations or “twigs” about life. These are my considerings through the years as I plunged through each day. These are the tiny bits of my life that I took note of, thinking some day they could be used as materiel for writing. 

It is hard to say what my notes could ever be used for. They served the purpose of calling attention to detail and articulating thoughts. They have strangly connected me to those around me, and to my inner thoughts.  But a lifetime of notes doesn’t serve anyting in the present except for recording what has brought me to the point I’m at today.  They provide a backdrop, but it is the noting, or writing, or creating of today that counts.

 

Went for a walk on the beach, Ronan and Zhara and I. We walked down to Rio Neuvelo, the site of an English and  Spanish war in the 1600s. The English won. Essentially the English outflanked the Spanish with about 600 soldiers. The Spanish fled – and this is how Jamaica came to be colonized – with 600 soldiers. Hard to believe. Such arrogance to believe that a country is yours when you win a war in just a few square miles. Anyway, I guess that is how it was.

We went onto the beach and walked along.  There was quite a bit of garbage; we picked up as much as would could.  We came to a little “cave”,  just a place where the water had washed out an inlet in the rocks and we decided to make a home.  The kids really got into it.  We set up house, a kitchen, a fence around our yard, and a path down to the road. I said “Lets sweep the leaves out of here; the ants seem to be coming from the dead leaves.”  Ronan said “I am the guard.”, I said “Well, let’s sweep the leaves”  He said “Guards don’t sweep.”

On the way down Ronan was telling me about all the animals in Jamaica.  He has incredible knowledge, he could tell the birds apart, recognized the nightingales and their songs.  I asked him how he knew so much about birds and he said “I have a bird book”  I thought to myself, I have a bird book, but I don’t seem to be able to recognize the different between most birds in my back yard.

I saw a frog, or thought I did.  Ronan said “ That is not common, not common at all, frogs come out at night.”  He told me all about Mongooses, and how they were imported and killed all the snakes in Jamaica.  I told him about a story I read about Mongoose in Africa.  He said “Mongoose don’t live in Africa.”  He was certain.  I later checked on the internet and found that they do live in Africa, predominantly in Africa.

Zhara started walking down the beach.  I followed her and finally caught up, I asked her where she was going, she said “Home.”  No need to check, leaving was just taking too long so she left.

We went to the Rio Neuevo river estuary and there we found a great place to paddle around.  Ronan caught minnows and Zhara and I went swimming.  We had a fabulous time.  Then we walked home

What a great day.

 

Yesterday an article pointed out to me that retirement is a bigger change than getting married and having a family. Well, that certainly seems real to me. It is huge. So I decided to enter a new relationship just before retirement. And a couple of years into that we each retired! Wow, if one problem isn’t enough, get two!

So now at four in the morning I’m laying awake thinking….. what about? Nothing is specific, the thousands of things that didn’t get done at work before I left? No… not that. My mind is occupied with the millions of things that I want to learn about and do. Travelling and  holidaying on beach are a part of it, but not my main focus. What I want to do is be better at building relationships, be able to speak more deliberately and clearly, learn to play squash, pickleball, and dance, walk the valley in each of the seasons, become a writer, a photographer and videographer, learn a second language, dig about in the yard growing things, pick berries, make preserves, cook exotic meals, indulge in fine fare, put photo albums together, decorate the house, and create a warm and inviting atmosphere in which family and friends will feel welcome. I want to learn how to use technology effectively, how to tell stories, to collect stories from others, and to enjoy doing each of the things I do.

I never think of money that will be needed to do anything. I just feel that the means will be there if the desire is. This may be an optimistic view, but somehow it has worked for me up to this point. A part of that may be that I often try to make do with what I have and just improve things from there. I have never thought of my projects and interests as work, but as activities that bring joy to my day.

And now that I have time to do these things, I am exploding with excitement to actually do them.  This is renewal for me, time to be creative. Perhaps when we have a society that is more automated and requires less work time from each of the citizens, we can explode the world with creativity. Nice!

October 23, 2018

Who am I to advise parents? I asked myself that a hundred times. It isn’t a feeling that I know all the answers, that is for sure. Indeed it feels at times that there aren’t really any answers and everyone must just feel their way thought it all.  Over the past 37 years I’ve raised four amazing kids and worked with thousands of parents. Every kid, and every parent presents a whole new scenario and the times change. But the fundamentals have never changed in all of that time, and so it may be worthwhile to examine just three core elements of parenting.

1. First of all, what is your main objective in raising a child? It is a good idea to define this and keep it in focus for all of your evaluations and decision making. All in all, you are most likely trying to raise a child who is able to live happily and independently. Of course there is a long list of virtues such as caring and honesty that you hope to imbue; but fundamentally you want your child to be able to gain independence and move forward with his own goals in life.
2. Secondly, you need to discover who your child is. A clear understanding of the person you are trying to help is necessary in any guidance situation. This takes clear observation, no tinted glasses… which is very difficult for loving parents. Listening and watching will provide you with the information you need. Unhurried time is essential.
3. Raising a child is all about your relationship with him or her. The better the relationship, the more you will be able to cooperate and collaborate.  The worse the relationship, the more authoritarian dicta will be used. Authoritarianism eventually lead to rebellion. Communication is the key, and so the art of parenting is really one of communication.

Good luck!